Like any creator, I am, at times, filled with crippling self-doubt. Though I certainly write for myself and what I want to read, we all crave and deserve outside validation from time to time. For myself, it feels a little less like I'm screaming into an empty universe as someone screams back "Hey, me too!" to whatever little thing that I've made. I know these things are ultimately for me, because if all I wanted was outside validation, all I would have to do is start posting fanfiction again. I wrote for two very popular fandoms, and I'm pretty good at a catchy fanfic concept.
Writing original content is a lot different, because you have to convince people to like your new little guys, not the familiar little guys. Some people are much more open to this than others, and there's a reason a readership of thousands won't follow you from fanfic to original work. They've found their little guys, and they're happy with those little guys.
This coupled with the fact that we're being fed a narrative that our creativity is ultimately meant to be capitalized on is a recipe for that self-doubt. How am I to know that I created something worthwhile if somebody doesn't tell me with their money or 80+ comments a chapter? That's a hard one to overcome. I've told many people now that my writing was never for money, because it really can't be. I've had to adjust my expectations many times, which means that every little (or large) victory is wroth celebrating.
I say "yesterday was a good day" because many things happened all at once that made me feel less like I was screaming at nothing, but the truth is that this whole week has been a good one. If you're reading this, I'm sure you know that my new book, Only Slightly Dead, is due to come out in nineteen days. I don't think it's a big money maker, but it's emotionally significant to me. I traded an advance copy of Only Slightly Dead with one of my students for three eggs. I think this is maybe my favorite thing I've gotten in exchange for a book. This particular student read Common Strange Behavior (and reread, they told me), and really liked it. I hoped they would like Only Slightly Dead too, and they did. They read it with breakneck speed and reported that they liked the ending and I made them cry.
(Note: this was one of those times that "first character trait: dead" did make me feel a little bad)
My books are ultimately young adult books, so when the people I wrote it for specifically like it, it's a huge accomplishment to me. It's also been a huge accomplishment to me to be working on my newest project, a feral piece I have titled When You're Dead and Gone, and received an insane amount of interest from students. They want to know about the little guys, because I made these little guys so specifically like them -- recovering from addiction. I could probably go on about this forever, but I'll spare you how many times I felt happy about straight up collaborating with kids on the reality of addiction recovery. Just know that it's been happening all week.
Now yesterday in particular -- this one was interesting. I began in the middle of the day receiving a very flattering email about my books and merch and supporting one another in, you know, These Circumstances. To hear about a small wave of influence alone would have made my day, but the victories continued! I got to spend time with friends, one of whom was able to get my books stocked at the queer salon where she works. I don't know if anything will happen with that, but it's certainly nice to know that my words are sitting, again, in someplace safe. Then, probably ten minutes after that, one of my lovely readers messaged me with an image of tattoos she'd gotten: a Common Strange Behavior graffiti jackalope, "Don't let them catch you" (the motto of Common Strange Behavior's school, Wildbrush Academy), and crowns from Train Track Princes. I'm still blown away.
That said, yesterday was a pretty special day, and this week has been a pretty special week. I don't win all the time. Some days I do feel like I'm screaming into the void. I think anyone creative probably knows what I'm talking about. You hold up your macaroni collage, and find out no one's even in the house with you. That happens a lot.
What's more important is when that doesn't happen. What's more important is when you get your victories. You just have to keep pushing forward, even when there isn't a voice behind you to keep telling you to go. I've had times of immense support, and times of radio silence. What I created in both those times was worth it. This is my rambling way of telling you that you're worth it, no matter how many comments you get, no matter how many likes there are, and no matter how many voices scream back. Not every piece is masterful. Not every piece will see the light of day. I have many stories that I think are just for me and a couple other people, and I don't really feel the need to share them beyond that.
And some stuff is worth sharing.
Yesterday was a good day to be creative. Today is too. After I'm done writing this, I'm gonna microwave my coffee and keep writing a bunch of new little guys, one of whom is perhaps my most unfortunate victim of "first character trait: dead."
Keep creating, dude. It's worth it.
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